I lazed around the house doing practically nothing today. I guess today was sorta my "lazy" day since I wasn't in the mood to do anything at all. I woke up at 2pm bathed and ate lunch at 3pm watched "The Holiday" at 4pm did Sudoku at 6pm had dinner at 7pm and then, I don't know. I guess my mind was just at blur for the whole bloody day. I'm just not used to not working, this holiday is too long, just too long. T____________T

Anyways, after finally getting to read dulcie's blog today, I realised something which I should have realise on my own a long time ago. I realised that I have lost so much passion for God. I mean, I used to give God every single matter I had in mind, my sorrows, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my daily ramblings. How did I loose all of this passion all at one go? It's mind boggling but I know I lost it somehow.

There were a lot of things that happened in the past and now that I look back, there was so much misunderstanding and assumptions about me that really literally tore my heart apart. All the people that I trusted and looked up to, the ones that held my future in their hands, shattered it into pieces. From that day it all happened, it formed a whole new different me. I wished I could have had the proper support and encouragement instead of judgement that I got which changed my whole view of Christians.

I talked to a pastor recently and what he said really made sense, I have to not only forgive but forget. I didn't get what he meant at first but after he explained it throughly, I understood. I didn't have to only forgive what they did to me, how they hurt me but put the past behind and move on. I guess that's what I haven't done. I haven't given the whole situation to God as a whole, to let Him deal with not only my past but with me, the pain that I have felt yet supressed all these years. Its not conciously that I supress the feelings but knowing myself, I tend to :

run away from pain in order not to feel them.
run away from my fears, instead of facing them.

And in the end is me ending up like an onion, and when God finally comes and deals with me, its even more painful than it was in the first place. Hrmm...but its not easy going to God, its not easy facing Him, its not easy facing my fears and dealing with my pain. sighs. I need God's strength and courage and wisdom, not only in facing my fears but in order to face my future. I think although this holiday away may be a little too long, but I think it'll do me alot of good and it'll definately shape my future and that God will lead me through every difficulty or happiness.

Never be bullied into silence.
Never allow yourslef to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life;
define yourself.
- Harvey Fierstein

Lol. I guess now I know why I love Khalid so much, its not only that he has taken care of me while I was in Singapore, but yet he has given me all the encouragement I need, he has been so patient so kind so loving in the way he deals with me, not once to judge me, to actually scold me or shout at me or throw crude words at me, but lovingly tell me and show me what is needed to be done and for that, I am trully blessed that God sent him to me. Its as if I can feel God's love flowing through him, to me.

I may sound all corny and cheesy but its the way I really feel and one day, when you finally find soneone who really trully loves you for just the way you are, thats when you know you've finally found your own love story.

P/S: Khalid, if you happen to read this;
do know that I trully love you.
And don't sleep so late okay?

Anyways, enough of my ramblings. i'll update on happier thoughts soon aite? Also will post up pictures once Khalid gives them to me..printed out a few really nice ones but totally forgot to put it into my mp4. It'll be up soon, I promise ;)

♥ Yomi

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
7:03 PM