Picking up the phone to call mum and tell her I was pregnant wasn't easy (for those of you who don't know, my dad is my step-dad and he's a deaf person - meaning to say can't hear and can't talk - so I usually talk to my mum bout important stuff. and she makes the decisions)

♥ I loved and love her very much and to tell her that I had made the same mistake that she did, was heartbreaking. for me and for her. We had arguments before, where words like, "I will never be like you" or "I never want to be like you" come crashing out my mouth like waves without mercy, like arrows aimed straight for the heart. and here I was, making the very same mistake that she had made, 20 years ago. around almost the same time.

I remembered that day very clearly, Khalid and I were on our way to work. we had just gotten off the bus and it had just started to rain (yes, the scene quite dramatic I tell you..) and we had just had a really huge fight/argument/misunderstanding/whatever-you-wana-call-it..and that was the first time he had been so angry with me that he left me in the rain :'( and walked away. He had never walked away before and that was the first time. AND THE LAST (you do that next time I kill you -_-") but yeah the last time.

The topic of the argument, "our situation" we didn't know what to do. how to get through with it. and therefore, thus, thats why..our huge argument. anyways after a while standing in the rain, I thought I'd take the next bus home but being in that state of mine, I kinda got lost. though I knew the place quite well already.

I then walked to work (I was crying quietly with tears in my eyes) I approached one of my managers (assistant manager of Alley Bar) and asked him if I could borrow his phone. mine had just run out of top up and although I had already bought top up, I suddenly forgot how to top up my phone -_-" and he realise something was wrong and quickly asked me what was going on. and that was then when I told him I was pregnant.

It got to a place where all my manager's knew about it, and one by one came talking to me. especially my own manager. Mr.Mark Soh, I felt so disappointed with myself for disappointing him. he had place such high hopes on me :( cos he kept sighing over and over again. argh. I can still remember so well :'( sighs. but am okay now :)

I called my mum not long after that, and when she picked up the phone..I was sobbing profusely!! (I was already 4 1/2 months pregnant) she was so worried. She kept asking me what was wrong, and when I finally got my voice out. all I could say was "S O R R Y" over and over again. and nothing else. and then it hit her. that I was pregnant. and she went, "no no no no..sarah, no." then she started crying as well. I can't begin to tell you how my heart was breaking, and how overwhelmed I was with grief.

...at first Khalid had promised to tell his parents after I told mine, but he chickened out (they only found out when baby bubs was about 6 months old - too fucking late lor, ass!)

Anyway, mum immediately made plans to come over and help me clear up to go back to Kuching. as I could not give birth in Singapore cos it's damn expensive - deposit for foriegner is SGD10K I think -_-" and also cos I couldn't be caught pregnant under the work permit - if not, can get blacklisted! so I told my management that I had to quit (though all managers knew - not management - and were quietly supporting me) bcos of my dad falling ill - which was true, dad had just fallen ill, his tummy had been growing bigger and body turning yellow (we later found out he had liver tb :'|)

...soon, after everything was settled. off I was. leaving my life behind and everything as I knew was about to change. people who think they know me, do not know what I have been through. and do not know the whole story only until maybe now. they just made their assumptions out of one or two sentences they got from me. go figure.

I know everyone goes through shit, but it only depends on how you face things. I delt with things the best way I can. I may have my down times. but so does everyone else. some recover fast. but others just need a little more time. to digest the bits and pieces.

don't judge first. or you yourself be judge later on.

this ends this chapter. time to sleep. got a big day tomorrow..huhu.
till my next one. coming back to Kch, and off to Sabah :)

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
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