I've been feeling exceptionally down and depressed these days. It's been this way since I -don't know-when. I feel really really down and I'm trying so hard to pick myself up For my baby, For my family, For Khalid and especially For myself.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I cannot ever be happy anymore. It's just that I don't know how to get there..to be the way I used to be. On the outside, I can still put on my mask but on the inside, I'm breaking down to little tiny pieces.

I feel down.

I feel lonely.

I feel depressed.

I feel negative.

I feel left out and without friends.

I feel completely lost.

Is this post-partum depression? Honestly, to tell you the truth..I don't know but I've been feeling this way ever since I gave birth. It's not that I'm not happy having baby sunshine around, which I am ecstatic about but I don't know...

I don't know how to deal with things..and my mom says that the only way, is to go to God. I've been trying really hard to get my life back on track. You people out there may think its easy and may think that I'm being all too emotional about this but you don't know what the hell I've been through in my life and what I am going through now! so don't fucking judge me.

I've been judged all my life! For being not good enough, for not having done well enough,or for not being holy enough, for having a BGR at the age of 15, for..yada yada yada! I've had enough. I've had enough of what you people have to say. I've had enough of you people judging my life and I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING PITY.

..my dad being in the hospital isn't helping much either.

..and things with Khalid are complicated. They just are. Don't ask. Though I'm happy with him, things are just complicated. Our futures. Our lives together. Every single thing.

p/s: ...and sometimes I don't even know who my real friends are anymore.
( It's not that I don't have friends but none are always around but I guess at some point, you have to be alone and that's what I hate the most. and Denise, you being in Singapore isn't helping!! and now Chiyo got biyfriend some more..don't want me..wtf. hahahaha...)

I don't know how much I can hold on anymore.
I'm loosing it. These are emotional times.
THE WEATHER ISN'T HELPING TOO!
It's freaggin raining cats and dogs here..

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:41 AM