Sometimes I really hate living in Singapore.

I hate being alone at home on a rainy day.

I'd rather be cuddled up with someone I love.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
5:53 PM

I don't understand how you could have moved me so deeply without me realising it. I don't understand how you could have affected me this much when I know you are not ready to have me, or ever have me by your side. for long.

How could I have let this happen? put out my heart again, and for what?! just to get hurt? I'm confused, I trully am. yet everytime I am with you, I feel secured and at ease.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:16 AM

Feel kinda down these past two days..I don't know why. I guess cos I'm worried and all about what my future may hold for me. The plans for the little one's life..and mine as well. For those of you who think you've got me figured out, you certainly got me figured out wrong. I guess nobody goes through the same thing, different people, different experiences.

I have my set of problems too, no matter how bright the sky may seem -____-" anyways love this song by Corinne Bailey. The lyrics are so touching as well :) lurve.

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

♥ ♥ ♥

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:07 AM

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to feel with you anymore.
Although I care, it's not I - that's pushing you,
It's YOU who's pushing me away.

All I want to do is stay near.
To feel warmth, not cold heartedness
To feel love, not annoyance and hatred.
To feel your care towards me.
Is it so hard? Is it so hard to care? a little more than usual?



Honestly, I don't know what you want from me.
You want me around you, but you keep drawing a line.
You want me around but you want me heartless,
to just pretend that everything is okay.
to receive whatever treatment you give.

I don't even know if you truly care anymore.
I know you cared about me before, but I don't know about now.
Does it even matter to you how I feel?
Does it matter to you that I'm fragile too?



I don't think you even care if you loose me or not.
cos right now, your life and your feelings
are way more important than anything or anyone else.
EVEN ME.
I'm nobody to you.
If I were to leave, you wouldn't even bother.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:30 AM

Things have changed so much.
I don't understand where we stand anymore.
My heart, its throbbing with pain from the inflicted wound.
I don't know how you can do this much to me.
I don't know why have I let you affect me this much.
I don't know why do you make such an impact on me.

You mean the world to me. and with that,
you're freaking out and for that,
I AM SORRY.

Even after you hang up, and tell me you want to sleep.
I still keep hoping and waiting for you to come back online.
To say that you cannot keep away from me.
To say that you want me, and need me, and love me.
To tell me that you see us together somehow in the future.
just somehow, maybe, just a glimpse of hope.
yet you give me none at all.

What do you want from me?
To love me yet desert me.
To care for me yet use me?
To tell me that you want me but another as well.
I want you for myself. to not share. just to be mine.
I don't know how you do this to me.

I feel so much for you.
but I know, you feel none for me at all.
I feel stupid. like an idiot.
I'm sure. you're proud of yourself Mr.
I'm sure you think you have accomplished something.
I just wished you loved me. more than her

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:47 AM

How life can swiftly change so fast.
the sweetness and bitterness in life's undertakings.
It takes you by surprise and sweeps you off your feet,
then just dumps you into one corner to cry all by yourself.
and watch as people live their lives. and live them in such grandeur.
by that I do not mean of the material wealth that they have,
but grandeur and richness in what they believe in.

I have lost my dreams. my goals. my ambitions.
my hopes. my loves. my passion.
I have seen my life shattered in front of me.
by the person who claims to love you alot.
who's willing to give one's life for you. *so they say*
time after time after time. the pieces that were put back
shattered again and again and again. I guess it took a toll on my life.

I can't glue back the pieces anymore.
I feel so broken from the inside out. outside in.
I feel so alone. so abandoned. so deserted. so isolated.
without no one. I have my little one. but does she understand all these?
no, she is too young. too young to understand, or feel these things.
she may know if some thing's are off. and are not right.
but she will never understand or will I ever let her go through
the pain or the suffering I have gone through.
.never.again.
enough that I have gone through it alone. but not her.
I want the best for her. the best of what I can give.
all the happiness in the world. the laughter. the joy. the love.
not the sorrow. or the pain.

Right now I feel so numb.
I think it's just best for me to never feel again.
cos if I feel, I would have to feel the pain again. that is so deep.
that if I let it out, all the rage and destruction will come pouring out.
and hurt the people who love me, and those around me.

NEVER WILL I EVER FEEL AGAIN. FOR NO ONE.
NOT EVEN YOU. or YOU, or YOU.
NO BODY.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:18 AM

Today was a good day in whole, but it ended quite dreadfully. I don't know, there are so many things going on in my mind. My interview for the nursing scholarship is so freagging near and I don't have any bloody guarantors! and mind you, they need to earn at least RM2500! How am I gonna find guarantors who earn that much in such little time?! huhu T.T

Well. maybe to some of you it might not be a big deal as you may know "big" people, but someone like me knows that I have to start just trusting in God. continue praying hard and still try my best to find a qualified guarantor -____-"


I'm so bloody stressed about everything at the moment. I don't know. and nobody seems to be able to understand me! (I don't expect them to :S) with me being all tensed and all, the little one's paying the price as well. I'm so detached, mooody, cynical, sarcastic and morbid. my love ones are paying the price. That kinda sucks.

On a better note on things, have been pretty hooked AGAIN, to this song by U2 - One, the one where Bono did a duet with Mary J. Blige was kinda soul touching, and the duet with Sting was awesome too! but I still would prefer their original. and right now..I'm just hooked.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:42 PM

Do I really love him still?
or am I just hanging on to something I know won't work out?
Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life?
Is he truly the ONE? for me. for my daughter.
yes, he's the little one's father.
but everything happened so fast, even he is unsure

I'm confused. tired. and going to sleep.
goodnight

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:53 AM

Anyways work has been kinda alright so far, although at times I do feel as though I could be doing better things with all my time and at times I do feel that I'm all alone, with no soul in sight to keep me company. I guess everyone goes through the same thing. you know, feel lonely. and another which is reserving and shopping has become kinda boring already. I guess once you get used to the environment, always being surrounded by clothes all the time, it just bores you out -_____-" lame right.

Imagine this, I went onto MNG today, cos they were having SALES! and guess what, I DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING!!!can you believe it O.O" omg. that's how bored I am. with clothes! :'( what's gonna make me happy now. retail therapy doesn't work anymore.

I don't know, recently all I have been doing these couple of weeks is just feel emo and think negative thoughts. It's just overwhelming me. that I can't think straight anymore. nothing in my life seems like a positive thing anymore.

I know, some of you may be thinking how negative I am. how unappreciative I am of life, of the things I have and of the people I have in my life. I know what I have and I'm grateful but somehow none of that seems to register in my head, or my heart. it's as though I'm just numbed with everything that has been happening that I just lost my senses.

and btw, I NEED A BOYFRIEND who's here. with me. not someone who's far away. yes, I'm saying that I cannot stand long distance relationship any longer. I'm just sick and tired of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting till I grow old and die. tong tiau* -___________-"

but the thing is I'm wondering, am I ready for marriage? if I'll be a good enough wife, and mother. I already failed at being a good daughter and sister. what more to say when I enter motherhood and marriage. will I be an even bigger failure? I'm sorry if my recent posts have been very negative, it's just that alot of things have been going through my mind recently. I have to admit. I'm lost in this life. really lost. I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know what to do anymore.

I should have never been born. I was a mistake from the start. what should have I expected. if I was a mistake from the start. shouldn't everything I do from now on end up in a mistake? I'm a lost case some may say. and maybe they were right about me all these years. that I'll never amount up to anything good. everyone would be better off without me.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:36 AM

I think I am sleep deprived. Do you think I should sleep now? I don't know. It seems that so so many things are going through my mind right now. I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm tired. but my mind can't stop thinking! -_______-" dad's in the hospital again..just got admitted this evening. He's in pain again these couple of days, similar to gastric pains but just worse. I pray everything will turn out alright.

I might be leaving sooner than I expected. which is what I always wanted deep down inside but now that it's happening and things are coming to past and all my wishes getting granted, I'm thinking again if this is truly what I want for me, for the little one. Getting married is not a minor issue. It's going to decide the future that I'll have. I'm so confused. I'm in a dilemma. Help me.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:52 AM

Called in sick today. I'm down with the fever, cough and flu -______-" am so freagging tired and my body ache's from top to bottom. I'm sleepy, grouchy and emotionally unhappy.


I argued with mum, AGAIN today! I'm getting sick and tired of going through the same arguments over the same small issues which never seem to resolve, which seem to go on forever, which seem so never-ending! Needless to say, so many things have been happening in the recent past few days, so much in so little time..it's almost too much for me to handle. I don't think I'm this strong to handle it anymore, I'm almost giving up..maybe this time I will.

I feel such excruciating pain that even time cannot seem to heal. It's as though my head know's where to start, where to go, what to do and what decisions to make but my heart is too much at pain to do anything. that I just become numb -___________-"

I feel like sleeping and never waking up. ever. again.

I want to be e m o full stop.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
9:15 PM

From today onwards, I SHALL BE HAPPY. Though everything is crumbling down around me. That's how I have been feeling these past weeks... and I don't expect you to understand me, unless you go through the situation yourself.

I'm not being purposely all emotional...and the only reason I blog about it is to release it, is so that I don't keep it inside and let it eat me up....because whenever I keep it inside of me, I become a ticking bomb and I tend to blow up...not to my friends, no never..but to FAMILY. and I don't want to hurt them like how I did before.

I've never been this emotional..unless its big. I've always been :

• the Happy-Go-Lucky person.
• the CAREFREE one (that was before baby).
• the you-have-to-be STRONG one.

but once I fall,
I always hit pit bottom..and although I know that there's a way out, this time it seems all the more very hard to reach..it's always this way when you have a problem. I'm always misunderstood. And I don't think I want to justify myself, let them judge. It's okay..but I'm sorry if by letting all my emotions out I have hurt anyone of you..it was never my intention, never on my agenda.

Anyway looking on the brighter side of things, I helped my mum out today with her flowers and all as she had an order. Someone had given birth and we were suppose to give a fruit basket. I usually help out but this time she wanted to do it on her own..hahaha. So, she got the basics done, like the laying out the basket and the greens, got her things ready and off we were to get her stuff ( fruits and flowers )

We first went to Boulevard where we had LUNCH first, as I was STARVING! hahaha :) Tried the food at Ipoh Old Town Kopitiam @ Boulevard.

(pictures thanks to JimmyChin cos I dont have camera.)

The food there was not bad at all...it was alright nothing spectacular though but it had an alright atmosphere. I loved the tables and chairs, so old school. Anyways, after lunch, we went to quickly buy our things as mom was running out of time already. Hurriedly we bought and left...driving to near where the person we had to deliver the flowers to stayed.

Know where that was? It's near Westwood, somewhere near the HUGE temple opposite Chonglin Park. There my mom got all her things out and started arranging the fruit basket. Too bad we didn't have a camera to take a photo of it, cos it was really nice.

But here's another one she and I made for my dad :)


heehee. I hope he likes it. I'm gonna be delivering it tomorrow after I send my sister to school..tomorrow's gonna be a really busy day, I just hope I have enough energy to handle it. Hahahaha..and its gonna be another beautiful day that the Lord has made.

Anyway, if anyone has an occasion ( weddings, funerals, birthdays, valentines day, baby showers, etc... ) feel free to order from me okay? Let me know your budget and we'll do the most beautiful flower arrangements we can, possible. Cheers ♥

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:23 PM

*toot*

the EMOTIONAL post.

SAY GOODBYE TO
them lala
FEELINGS.

Say HELLO to

a STRAIGHT FACE
a COLD HEART
and INNER NUMBNESS


End Of Story.

I think...but we'll see how long my heart can go cold.
.....Cos I'm better than this. I can do better than this.
I'm stronger than this, I'm a fighter and I'm gonna fight.
I'm not gonna give into the enemy and I'm gonna believe!

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
6:15 AM

...stomp over them and throw em back!

I'm getting sick and tired of the things life has been throwing at me. I wanna be mad, I wanna scream, I wanna fight life back...but man, I know better than that. It's just that sometimes you wonder: why is life throwing you overwhelming troubles when you've been so good to everybody else?

Maybe the evil one is testing its powers over me, but I will not give in. Then again, my patience can only do so much and is wearing thin. I might just snap one day. Sometimes I feel that I cannot take it any longer and than there are days when I give my all, fight back and say : is that all you've got?!

Recently, I've been ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS feeling stressed out. I don't know how long I can take this. I can't even breathe properly without feeling stressed out. But right not, all I want to do is block out every single feeling I'm feeling. Yes, even LOVE. So much for love cos its giving me shit too.

I am just gonna go NUMB.
Oh well. Life's a bitch, alright.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
9:37 PM

I've been feeling exceptionally down and depressed these days. It's been this way since I -don't know-when. I feel really really down and I'm trying so hard to pick myself up For my baby, For my family, For Khalid and especially For myself.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I cannot ever be happy anymore. It's just that I don't know how to get there..to be the way I used to be. On the outside, I can still put on my mask but on the inside, I'm breaking down to little tiny pieces.

I feel down.

I feel lonely.

I feel depressed.

I feel negative.

I feel left out and without friends.

I feel completely lost.

Is this post-partum depression? Honestly, to tell you the truth..I don't know but I've been feeling this way ever since I gave birth. It's not that I'm not happy having baby sunshine around, which I am ecstatic about but I don't know...

I don't know how to deal with things..and my mom says that the only way, is to go to God. I've been trying really hard to get my life back on track. You people out there may think its easy and may think that I'm being all too emotional about this but you don't know what the hell I've been through in my life and what I am going through now! so don't fucking judge me.

I've been judged all my life! For being not good enough, for not having done well enough,or for not being holy enough, for having a BGR at the age of 15, for..yada yada yada! I've had enough. I've had enough of what you people have to say. I've had enough of you people judging my life and I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING PITY.

..my dad being in the hospital isn't helping much either.

..and things with Khalid are complicated. They just are. Don't ask. Though I'm happy with him, things are just complicated. Our futures. Our lives together. Every single thing.

p/s: ...and sometimes I don't even know who my real friends are anymore.
( It's not that I don't have friends but none are always around but I guess at some point, you have to be alone and that's what I hate the most. and Denise, you being in Singapore isn't helping!! and now Chiyo got biyfriend some more..don't want me..wtf. hahahaha...)

I don't know how much I can hold on anymore.
I'm loosing it. These are emotional times.
THE WEATHER ISN'T HELPING TOO!
It's freaggin raining cats and dogs here..

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
2:41 AM

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
4:51 AM