Sometimes I have to wonder, do you actually want to be with me? do you actually love me for real?! I know you tell me that you wouldn't be spending time with me if you were not interested in me at all. but I can't help but doubt the words that you speak.

I accidentally read one of your messages today when playing around with your phone. and it didn't look too nice on my side, I felt really hurt. What's the point of being with me when you're wayy sweeter to other girls in your words, treat them with more respect and pour tender loving care over them?! whats the point of having me around anymore??

If you start giving every single girl you meet some cute nick name, as the way you do with me..then whats so different about me? am I not like every other girl? sometimes actions speak louder than words. and your actions do not tell me you care for me at all. You confuse me. and you leave me in such a dilemma. Why did I get into this shit at all. You don't even care.

as of this moment, I think all guys are just bastards wanting to save their own asses of their wrong doings! or doing things randomly without caring of how the other party may feel. ah, just fuck it.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
1:53 PM

Today was a good day in whole, but it ended quite dreadfully. I don't know, there are so many things going on in my mind. My interview for the nursing scholarship is so freagging near and I don't have any bloody guarantors! and mind you, they need to earn at least RM2500! How am I gonna find guarantors who earn that much in such little time?! huhu T.T

Well. maybe to some of you it might not be a big deal as you may know "big" people, but someone like me knows that I have to start just trusting in God. continue praying hard and still try my best to find a qualified guarantor -____-"


I'm so bloody stressed about everything at the moment. I don't know. and nobody seems to be able to understand me! (I don't expect them to :S) with me being all tensed and all, the little one's paying the price as well. I'm so detached, mooody, cynical, sarcastic and morbid. my love ones are paying the price. That kinda sucks.

On a better note on things, have been pretty hooked AGAIN, to this song by U2 - One, the one where Bono did a duet with Mary J. Blige was kinda soul touching, and the duet with Sting was awesome too! but I still would prefer their original. and right now..I'm just hooked.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
11:42 PM

I don't know how I would have to describe things that are going on between me and Khalid at this very moment. I guess you can say things are just complicated. I don't know if I love him anymore. The spark isn't there anymore - sad to say - and things are just different than how it used to be. It has become routine that he calls or messages. The relationship is just stale cheese. Boring!

I just wish I was young, as in real young. and carefree. to not know of anything but the love of people surrounding you. and the beauty of everything around you. To know nothing but the positive and to know nothing about the negatives and the evils of the world. You know as we get older, so many things just bombard our minds, or lives. the responsibilities. the pain.

I know not what 2009 holds for me. Right now all I'm doing is just going with the flow and not think of anything else that might bring me down again. I guess I'm just too numb to feel anymore pain. all that is on my shoulders now, is to make sure I bring my daughter up to what God has for her. for her to fulfil her destiny in Him.

If I have missed my chance to bring God glory, I don't want my daughter to do the same. I want the best for her. to have the best education. to grow up to become a woman of God. to love God more than anything in her life. not to only live for Christ. but to have Christ live in her. to truly know Him as her personal Saviour.

I want her to have a father who will be able to support her not only through rough times but also have someone she can look up for examples, someone she can look to when she gets down, for comfort, for support, for strength not only in emotional areas but spiritually too.


Right now the burdens on my shoulders are just so overbearing. I don't know how much longer I can last. I guess you can say I'm relying on strength thats not of my own. It's even more difficult than it may seem from afar. I hope 2009 brings me more happiness that 2008 did. I'll be a year older, and I hope a year wiser as well. wiser and not repeat the same mistakes I have done in the past. Like a quote I heard before, the past only builds you for the future.

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."
12:09 AM