I feel like throwing myself into traffic. Cutting myself into tiny shreds of cloth. This is all too much for me to bear. I'm breaking down. I'm hurting. I'm not ashame to say it. I cannot let it go. You affected me so badly this time. I don't know what you want from me anymore.
I give up.
edit/ a forwarded email I received. really encouraged me. to keep pushing on.
I Am a 'Kept' Woman?
You see, there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, But GOD keptme sane. (Isa. 26:3)
There were times when I thought I could go no longer, But the LORD keptme moving. (Gen 28:15)
At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, But the LORD keptmy mouth shut.. (Psa. 13)
Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, But GOD has helped me to keepthe lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid, etc.., (Matt. 6:25 -34)
When I thought I would fall, HE keptme up. When I thought I was weak, HE keptme strong! (I Pet. 5:7, Matt. 11:28-30)
I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you hear me!
I'm blessed to be 'kept' "Attitude determines your success or failure."
Do you know a 'kept' woman? If so pass it on to her to let her know she is 'Kept' I'm "Kept"by the Love and Grace of God
My little one is growing. Coming the 20th, she'll be 8 months. I still can't believe it, to see how fast time has flown. She can crawl, and eat,and "stand" wobbily. She can say "Mama", and "Baba". and she can even sing. yeah seriously ^___^V she sings to herself when she's bored. she sings to me. and sings along with me. she even tried to put me to sleep :)
I love you darling. I never regret ever having you. I thank God I have you. You're the only one that's keeping me going. at the end of the day, when there's no one around. when no one sees me. when all the world is asleep. when all is quiet. There's just you & me. I love you.
I just came back from a beautiful dinner with my family. I thank God I'm off today and that I was able to attend the Christmas service. It was good. Although no one really noticed me but it was good. I guess.
Anyways we went to Oregano for dinner. I had a 10% discount coupon voucher I got with the privilege book. so manage to get the food with a discount of 10%.
Dinner was not too bad. I won't say that it was great, cos it could have been better. The lamb was a bit wee too hard. With my weak set of teeth (that needs a dentist's attention) I could not really enjoy the whole meal. The mash potatoes were good and the little one enjoyed it too! :) Too bad I don't have a camera to capture moments like these.. soon I guess. soon. and then I can show them to you!!
-pouty lips- Anyways this was taken after church service. In the MNG dress I got for a cheap rate!! huu-haaa :) well, gotta go sleep now. taking over my friend's morning shift.
Christmas is here.and it does not seem to be any different than any other day. Mum and Dad's in front of the tv as usual. and the siblings are doing their own thing. So yeah, it's just like any other day. to Marcus, thanks for telling me. it's like another Christmas. cos it is Christmas after all.
Anyways tthe Christmas Tree is finally up. helped to put up the lights. but other than that, the Christmas spirit is gone - it got blown away with the wind. I just feel that this year round, nothing seems to be working out. I can't decide on my future yet. I'm now just awaiting the interview for the Nursing Scholarship. I really hope to get in. Pray for me.
Well, besides that. On a better note, things are just stalemate between me and Khalid. I know I said before, earlier on that I've broken up with Khalid but it seems that he does not want to let go just yet. as for me, I'm just numb. Can't feel anything and I can't seem to shed anymore tears. I guess I've cried my fill already when I was pregnant with the little one.
Christmas service is tomorrow morning at 9am, I gotta get some sleep now. and by the way, Merry Christmas everyone :) Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
I LOVE YOU. Just felt like telling you that. and that I appreciate you so much. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I'm sorry if many times I hurt you without knowing it, or making you feel that you're not appreciated. I love you, I do. It's just that sometimes, things don't come out the way they're supposed to. I hope I get to have you as long as we both are in this world. I don't know what I'll do without you. You make my world go round, having you by my side gives me assurance, confidence and lotsa LOVE. i love you mummy!!
I wish I could escape to a secluded island soak under the sun. enjoy the sound of waves. appreciate the given nature.
right now I just feel disabled. like I just lost one of my legs, or my arms. I am still able to move, to talk, to see, to taste, and to feel. but I am disabled. and there is nothing I can do except to make the best of myself. I can join the paralympics, but I will be competing among the weaker links. I can still go to work, but I am judged by many. I still can go outside to shop, but there is something stopping me there.
there is something I feel that I can do; something I SHOULD DO. but what is it?
this feeling comes and goes, it stabs me without warning to leave me bleed for a good 5 hours. I really don't know what to feel, or what i should feel, or what can I do... besides making the most of what I have.
i. doesn't. know.
I would give up escaping to that secluded island. I would give up this that I have. and after sometime I would give up, if it is gonna make you okay
I seriously need a holiday, and after reading Shelby's blog which also linked to KinkyBlueFairy's blog about the holidays they had, and their own private villas with their own pools..urgh. When in the world will I have a holiday like that those. Khalid, I want a holiday :( come we go Bali also..
The only time we (Khalid and I) planned for a holiday together was before I got pregnant. and before I came back to Kuching. but now that the little one is around, it won't be as easy to plan a holiday anymore. I'll have to think about who will be looking after her while I'm be gone. You may think that taking a baby with you on a holiday is easy, but I ASSURE YOU that it is definitely not an easy task.
I shall advise seriously that if you are not ready to have a baby, .stop. think. use protection.
...because when the baby comes. it will not be all about you anymore, it will not be about what you want for yourself anymore. your life will be totally overwhelmed by your child. I am not complaining. I am happy with where I am now, although I am still unsatisfied and discontentedyet I am happy with what I have.
I am happy that I have a loving husband-to-be, I am happy that I have such an adorable lovely little girl, and I am happy I have a family that loves me.
but yet, having the little one has stopped me from having the freedom I use to have when I was still "single", if you know what I mean. having her has stopped me from going wherever I want to go without having to think of the consequences in a HIGHLY OVER THE TOP serious level. I am different now. the life I live; the way I think; its all different now.
do you know the phrase; you will only know how your mother feels when you become a mother yourself. I now know how my mum feels, like seriously.
GOODNIGHT EVERYONE :)
p/s: my bestfriend will be flying off by the end of next week. in a way, i so wish i were in her shoes, living the life of an air stewardess.but then again, this is her calling, so babe, i wish you all the best in all your forthcomings.i hope you know that you will always be missed by me and that i will always love you. bestfriends forever babe!! we'll meet one day soon, in singapore XDmwahs.
I goggled this right after seeing my mum shed tears, I asked her why she's crying ( I knew it was a commercial but didn't know which one) and she told me it was a Petronas Commercial for Deepavali 2008.
so now I finally got a chance to see it. and boy oh boy did tears start rolling down my cheeks. I cried -_____-" but seriously its touching. You'll get what I mean after watching it.
In a way I'm proud of the Malaysian young people who have been coming up with such many wonderful funny, touching commercials every time an occasion like Chinese New Year, Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Deepavali and so forth comes up. Cheers! to you guys out there. Great work..
So to those of you who have not seen it on Malaysian tv, HERE YOU GO!
I SHALL BE STARTING WORK ON MONDAY. yes YOU HEARD ME :) so happy!!!! *woot woot*
I HAVE FINALLY GOT A JOB. thus I shall be jobless no more! hohohohoho. ENUFF SAID.
Anyway been kinda busy these days, becoming the driver of the family. Have been driving my dad around, to his appointments, and all as he has not been that fit to drive. Have also been sending/picking my brother and sister to and fro from school each day. I never knew driving could be so tiring! and exhausting! I used to enjoy driving -_____-" haih. I'm gonna be even busier when I start work. Juggling work and family and baby.
Gotta wake up early, get baby bathe before I go off to work and then after work, will be busy with her again, laundry...yada yada yada. Oh well, I guess that's the life of a working mother. But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just hope I have enough energy and strength to carry out my duties as a daughter to my parents and a mother to my baby girl.
*taken when she was about coming two months old - had my black hair back then*
I've been perfectly fine ( with its ups and downs ) these past few weeks. Nothing much has been going on with me. No big occasions, no big outings, no big whatsoever but yet I'm content with everything around me. I guess I have slowly come to terms with myself and my surroundings. I have slowly begun to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made and learn how to be happy.
Anyways went for a job interview on Monday as a Operations Assistant at .................. NOPE! am not telling you where. I shall tell but only IF and WHEN I get the job. And from the way I see it, I really do hope I get it. So when I get it, I can finally get the phone I want, get the camera I want, get new clothes that I want and get aaalllllllllllllllll the things I want...NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA *laughs evilly* oh wait, gotta remember my priorities and responsibilities first. damnit! Oh well, can do all the evil things afterwards with partner in crime by my side, presenting....Chiyo (can not?) wtf.
Anyway like I said, at this very moment..I'm content and,
Right now I am just thankful for the people that are in my life.
For MY FAMILY, all the laughter, sadness, happiness, sorrow, pain..the important thing is that we get through it together.
For my BABY GIRL, she just brings me the peace, the joy, the laughter, the happiness, the excitement of just having her around and the experience I go through as her mother.
For KHALID, who has been the love of my life, my support, my joy, my strength and my besterest friend in the whole wide world (who calls me everyday!) hahahaha. I LOVE YOU. I HEART YOU. I MISS YOU ♥....
And For MY FRIENDS, wherever you are..we shall always be best of friends. To those In Australia, In West Malaysia, In Singapore, In England, wherever you are. May the Lord be with you, to guide you, to lead you and to cover you and shelter you under His wings. *Love and Misses* you guys out there!
Yesterday, after doing nothing much at home some laundry and cleaning of the house (sweeping, mopping, and a little spring cleaning) I decided to wash the car! so went searching for the car washing liquid, but could not find any at all! I I went asking my dad. and he said that we ran out. Know what I did next?! hahahahaha..I USED JOHNSON BABY SHAMPOO XD but all was good, and fun - grandparents dropped by after a while when I was still washing the car..
...after the wash, the car smelt like a newborn baby! wtfreak XD
Anyways, did nothing much after that..kinda rested (while playing with baby at the same time) thats why the "kinda". At night, baby love and I webcammed with Khalid online, and chatted with him til about 9:30PM as he had to book in by 10:30PM. I had fun :) hahahaha..
His webcam was really blur, somehow his electronics are always in need of repair, or "expiring" hrmm..and I have no idea why is that so..lame lah. Get new web cam for me liao. Hurry hurry! so that your face can be clear and not be so blurry -_____-"
After a while, Khalid's whole laptop got jammed up so only the both of us webcammed together. Waited for a whole 30minutes just for him to come online again..guess that's what you get when you have a 5year old computer -____-" Oh well..Baby Love and I had fun on our own.
p/s: She loves the lappy..and loves to "type". Like this, "gbfausiofogkmjrngvijdjefvdsm". Lol XD
As you may have noticed, Baby Love looks really pretty XD with her new headband on. Its strechable and really comfortable, and breathable too. I got it from Goldbug, they have a range of things for babies..from socks, headbands, clothes, newborn sets and etc. The material used is not bad at all..available in shopping malls. Head down to Poppies, The Spring if you wana get some (and if you're in Kuching that is)
Anyway, back to the topic.. manage to take many many pictures at the same place again -___-" but this time not only with mummy but with GRANDMA! :) *all smiles* Baby Love is certainly loved by all..and I bet for those of you who see her, you've already fallen in love with her no doubt! hahahahaa XD
*flying with grandma*
*having tons of fun with mummy*
She got bored in the end XD ended up looking at the cat ------>
Well an update on my Dad. He's still in the hospital, been in there for quite a while now. His skin is getting back to its normal colour but his eyes are still yellow. The doctors are keeping him until he get better and will only let him go after the jaundice subsides. So far, so good...
That was yesterday, but today the doctors said that my Dad has to go for an operation. Something called ERCP ( Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography ) to help diagnose what's going on inside of him. If I'm not mistaken, they're gonna insert a tube through the nostrils right down to the stomach..and you betcha its gonna hurt. Gosh...
I'm not sure when is the operation, from what my mom has told me, its not a major operation but though its just a minor surgery..you never know when things can happen and when things happen, they happen fast. I pray everything goes well, I cannot bear to loose a father again..sighs*
Currently I'm just so numb, so many things happening in one go. Outside I may seem alright, happy-go-lucky and just so "rainbow" but fact is, I'm just blocking out all the negative emotions so that I won't have to feel any fear or pain or sadness. I want to be strong for myfamily, especially my mum. I want her to know that I'm strong and that she doesn't need to worry about me or my well-being.
I don't know anything anymore, I don't know what I'm gonna do...right now all I can do is just pray...sighs* I believe that God will get our family through this one way or another.
With love mum wish to say thank you for your help in setting up my livejournal. Now it gives me a chance to share with relatives and my long time friends and out there. Putting a print in this world this way is nice. Remember God is good and HIS love surpasses any understanding. We just need to walk sensitively ya? So nice to be able to come to Sabah and spend this time with you and our newest member of the family. When you walk with our LORD JESUS you will find HIM.
In Chirst we walk, In Christ we listen to know His instructions To know His callings, To know His love for you Expressed and showed thru many we have met here in Sabah. I am so thankful that time has not taken away the love of true families near and far.
As we feel His amazing love, as you grow in maturity so should u tred your path softly, gently and quietly and walk like a lamb, but with a courageous heart as that of a lion. So shall you fly with wings of eagles in Christ Jesus your salvation In this life that we live, Jesus loves covers a multitude of sins If Jesus your Lord forgives you even more so shud mum and those who loves Him knows forgiveness for He is our example and instructions.
Amen.
With love mummy write this with love mum ends todays writings. Everything will be well when we fix our eyes on Him and Him alone. No one but Jesus Alone. ya! Thank you again dearest
I'm a child of God, I'm in love with him, I love my baby, I'm a friend, I'm a lover, I'm a daughter, I'm a mother, I'm amazing XD
I'm a huge chocolate ice-cream beach fan, I love music, I love art, I love photograpy, I love travelling, I love shopping, I'm crazy,
I'm fun-loving, I'm out-going, I'm working to become who I want to be, financially free by 30 XD
She's my love, She's my life, She's my everything, She's a gift, She's a blessing from heaven.
I love her to bits, every part of me lives and breathes for her. I love you sweet Shiloh Trianna Wong
